There have been times in my recovery from binge eating disorder that certain trigger foods were off limits. In order to make myself feel safe, and reduce the chances that I’d slip into a binge, there were many months when things like cookies, crackers, and peanut butter simply weren’t on my menu.
Now, everything’s kosher. But that doesn’t mean that once in a while some little morsel doesn’t make me uncomfortable. Like yesterday—I told you about that chili I made, right? Well, it called for an ounce of semi-sweet chocolate, chopped.
I felt a little weird when I bought the bar of semi-sweet for the recipe. I even said to John, “Hm, I don’t know if I want this in the house—we’re only going to use two squares of it for the chili.”
One part of my brain said, “OK, so just break off the squares you need for the recipe and throw the rest of the bar in the garbage.” (Since recovering from BED, at least things in the garbage are safe from being eaten—that wasn’t always the case, as many of you can no doubt can relate to!) But some other part of me said, “No, that’s wasteful. Just don’t think about it.”
Can’t you just picture the proverbial angel and devil on my shoulders? Even though I knew that when I feel “weird” at all about food it’s important for me to think about it, and think about how to help myself do the healthy and smart thing, I chose to do the opposite! And when I got the chocolate home, I immediately opened it and ate a few squares.
Eating a few squares of chocolate isn’t the end of the world—but the truth is, it was an emotional reaction to a food, rather than a measured one in which I made a clear-headed decision to eat or not to eat something. It was a reminder that I can’t get complacent—when I get a “weird” feeling about food, I need to listen to my instinct and intuition. Just because I’m recovered doesn’t mean I can’t slip into old habits.
Do you guys ever have these “angel and devil” moments where your intuition and instinct tells you not to buy something because you may binge on it, but you do it anyway? xo…Sunny