Wow. I got this incredibly inspiring note from a 24-year-old HealthyGirl.org reader in Slovenia and just had to share it with you guys. Polona has slowly but surely started to change her life and get sane about food over the past year. Proof it’s possible to grow away from obsession and into happiness and health. Enjoy, and feel free to share about anything her story brings up for you. xo…Sunny
It’s been a year since I discovered your blog and found out I have a deep, emotionally exhausting problem: bingeing and other food & body issues. At that time your blog was like a little, but very believable, voice in my head that said “You are not the only one, you are ok, you are going to be ok.”
What I did in the past was dieting or bingeing. Nothing else. I remember I was 10 when I first found out I don’t like myself. I wanted to change so much. I hated my body and I hated myself for having that kind of body. People around me started to comment my weight, like my coach, telling me that I would be some much better and faster at sport, if i lose some weight. So I enterd the world of diets. And my disorderd eating patterns started.
For that next 13 years I fought with myself. I dieted, I binged, I compulsively exercised, I starved, I worked hard at school, I work hard at sport … well, I wanted to be perfect, I wanted to be thin.
But since I discoverd your blog, since I admitted to myself I have a problem, educate myself and started with my recovery, I found out that I never really wanted to be thin; I wanted to be accepted by my parents, family and my friends (the way I am). I think we all know it’s not about food, it’s about trying to fill ourselves when something is missing. I guess, when love is missing. Food accepted me the way I was. Food accepted me when I felt like nobody else did.
When I was losing weight, people started to change and I was convinced that this is the way to be accepted—to lose weight. So I thought that this is something that will bring me a new, happy life. But I was so wrong, becouse nothing ever really changed. I became even more obssesed and I hated myself even more. And I still didn’t get that loving and caring feeling of acceptence. So I statred to binge again.
It’s been a year since I started my own journey to free myself from this world of constant and vicious cycle od diets. I feel like I made some huge steps forward. I almost don’t binge anymore. I’m happy with myself (not all the time, but most of the time). I cry a lot. I smile a lot. I quit dieting and I’m not afraid of food anymore. I quit changing myself, but I change my life, slowly, but surely.
I moved and become independent, found job I like, found some friends that fill me up with feelings of love, started with a sport that taught me how capable and strong my body really is, educate myself about eating disorders, talk about it … and, well becouse of you and inspiration you are givnig through this blog, I started my own blog about life and ED. I’m from the other side of the ocean (Slovenia, Europe) and people here don’t really talk about ED. I would like to thank you for this beautiful filing of understanding and love you giving to us, readers of HealthyGirl.
I didn’t change my body. I stoped changeing myself in order to please everyone else. But I did slowely changed my life to please no one els but myself and filled it with people, things and activities that make me feel accepted and enriched. I think it’s the first time in my life that i truly feel like a healthy girl.
Thank you, Polona (from Slovenia, Europe)
Wow. Thank YOU Polona. You have made my day—no, my week!—and I know that your experience will help inspire other girls and women to look a little deeper, past body and weight, and down to what food really has meant in their lives up till now.
Now, to the rest of the HealthyGirl.org community: For Polona, food seemed to mean love and acceptance. For me, it meant rebellion, escape and comfort. What did/does food mean to you? What emotions or deeper needs have you been using it for?